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When a contemporary dies, most of us experience our own grief and sense our own needs for care. At the same time, we want to provide care for others whom we assume must be hurting even more. The good news is that it is possible to receive the care offered by others while also caring for others. This mutual sharing of hurts and help is one characteristic of the sense of community for which most people long.

Siblings enjoy unique relationships, having shared both the good and the bad of growing up in the family home. Together, we laugh at the same memories and share the same stories. The sense of loss at a sibling’s death can be profound.

Coworkers sometimes become closer than family, in part because of the amount of time spent together. Few people — even in your family — spend as much time with you as those with whom you work. Sharing an office or working for many years on common projects can weld people together as friends as well as work associates.

The grief of friends for each other can also be profound. Because we choose friends, these people become our greatest confidants, supporters and cheerleaders. For most people, the death of a close friend leaves a giant hole in the heart.

Make sure to stay connected to supportive people. Family members, work associates and other friends can be enormously supportive in the experience of grief. But remember that some people do not understand the significance of non-family attachments and might wonder just why this loss is such “a big deal.” Well-meaning people sometimes don’t comprehend the significance of a friend, coworker or sibling’s death, contributing to even greater isolation for the bereaved person. Click here to download a copy of our brochure:

Twelve Ways to Help a Grieving Friend

Don’t forget to pay attention to memorial opportunities. Prioritize your schedule to attend and participate in the funeral or memorial service. Look for opportunities to memorialize this person through sending flowers or making contributions in his or her memory. And remember that in addition to the funeral activities in the early days after the death, some cultures create important memorial opportunities at intervals through the first year and perhaps on the anniversary of the death thereafter.

Be certain that you take some time for yourself, as well. One difficulty of facing the death of a sibling, coworker or friend is that these people are often near our own age, forcing us to consider our own mortality. As you work through this loss, It is always good to take time to think about what characteristics you hope people will remember about you and to reevaluate your own priorities.

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As adult children, we bear a unique perspective on grief that is different from that of a surviving spouse. While the death of a spouse is a huge loss, it is a very different loss from the grief growing out of a parent’s death.

Sometimes, early grief is muted by utter exhaustion, especially if you cared for your parent through an illness. Often, grief is magnified by the realization that you now bear an inordinate responsibility for a surviving parent or as the new leader of “the clan.”

With the death of a biological parent, we don’t remember a time prior to being his or her child; this relationship is older than any other we have and there is no “history” apart from this individual. If, on the other hand, you came to know your parent later in life, grief can be intensified by sadness about lost years and opportunities. And when you must say goodbye to a “parent by choice,” one who married your biological parent, for example, or an adoptive parent, that loss is also unique and significant. So much of what we know about the world-for good and for bad-came to us first from our parents.

Not all memories from our families, however, are pleasant. Grief is an odd experience, in that we often grieve the relationship we did not have as much as all we lost. When the relationship with your parent was pocked by substance addiction or abuse, for example, saying goodbye can be filled with mixed feelings. It’s quite normal to feel little sadness over saying goodbye to some parts of the relationship, even while grieving the opportunities missed for meaningful connection.

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A big part of the grief process for parents is described as a “search for meaning.” In early grief, finding meaning in a child’s death is an impossible task, and for some, no sense is ever made of the death. Eventually, though, most bereaved parents, family members and friends do find meaning in the loss-or at least in spite of it. You might embrace a cause to prevent other families from experiencing the same tragedy or fondly recall the rich living crammed into a few short years by a young person gone too soon. You may eventually find a depth to your own strength or vitality in your faith you never knew existed.

Siblings and friends of the child who has died need an extra measure of patience and support and there are many practical ways friends and family members can provide help. Click here for more information on support for children and teens.  Though parents desire to shield surviving children from the pain, and even if the other children have not been told what happened, siblings sense the tension in the family, realizing intuitively, “something is wrong.” When they do not get honest information about their brother or sister, they sometimes erroneously conclude that parents are upset because of their actions.

Grandparents also experience the loss deeply. In the words of author and bereaved grandparent, Mary Lou Reed, “Grandparents cry twice.” Not only must grandparents bear the grief after their grandchild’s death, but they must also helplessly witness the intractable pain their own child experiences as the grandchild’s now-bereaved parent. If you know a bereaved grandparent, inquire not only about the well-being of the bereaved parents, but ask your friend how he or she is doing, too.

Do not believe common cultural “myths” about parental bereavement. Your marriage is not “doomed,” though a child’s death does put an unprecedented strain on even the best marriages. And ignore the well-meaning suggestion of friends or family members who suggest something like, “Since you’re young, you can have another child.” Children can never be replaced, regardless of their age at death. A child’s death is a life-altering event, but for parents and other family members, it does not have to be a life-ending event. Grief shakes us from “top to bottom,” leaving no part of life untouched. Click here to find useful suggestions for growing through this loss.

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Practice Honesty

In the words of child and family psychologist David A. Crenshaw, “Children can bear the truth, no matter how bad, better than they can bear being deceived.” There is never a good reason to lie to children about the death of a loved one and the broken trust may never be completely repaired. While kids don’t usually need (or benefit from) all the details that are known, their questions should be answered simply and honestly with explanations that are appropriate to their age.

Consider Development

A 14-year old adolescent will likely experience the death of a grandparent very differently than his four-year old sister. One reason is the longevity of relationship; the four-year old might never have known the grandparent when healthy, for example. But a major difference is the way children at different developmental stages process thoughts and feelings. Fourteen year olds, for example, are generally capable of abstract concepts while a four-year old has difficulty imagining the things she hasn’t seen and does not understand death as irreversible.

Take Stock of Relationship

How a person experiences grief is determined by many factors, but one of the most obvious is the relationship with the deceased. That is why a child’s grief response at the death of the family dog can be significantly greater than the response the same child exhibits a few months later when a rarely-visited grandparent dies. Children do not need to be “shamed” into feeling sad. You may not see outward sadness, anger, or fear related to the death of a person with whom he or she felt no real relationship.

Include Youngsters in Ceremonies

Funerals and memorial gatherings are important times for family and community to acknowledge the death, celebrate the life that was lived and draw support from one another. Children and teens share this need with adult mourners. When attending funeral ceremonies, young children are best served if they are accompanied by someone who can be especially attuned to their needs. This close adult friend, neighbor, or parent of a playmate can concentrate on the child’s needs. Older children and teens can be included in the ceremony in ways that are appropriate to their age and relationship with the deceased. Your funeral director can make specific recommendations about how children can be involved in the funeral ceremonies.

Expect “Grief Diversions”

Youngsters often grieve in “spurts,” so it might surprise family members and friends to see the kids out on the lawn playing football the afternoon of dad’s funeral. Most adults could never bring themselves to such a place, but this is completely normal for children.

Be Careful of Confusing Explanations

Just as children are not helped by dishonest explanations, neither are they helped by explanations that attempt to create a spiritual or philosophical explanation for the death. “God needed another flower for His garden,” and “Mommy just went to sleep” does not help a youngster grasp the fact of the death or the grief they experience. Instead, use factual, simple explanations with young children. For example, say “Something sad has happened. Grandpa has died. When a person dies, it means his body quits working. He doesn’t eat or sleep or feel pain anymore. I am sad because I can’t talk with Grandpa now.”

Connect with Supportive People

One challenge of grieving children and teens is that in many cases, the same loss that they are experiencing was also experienced by all or most of the people in their primary support system. The death of a parent is made more difficult for a child, for example, because the surviving parent, uncles and aunts, and grandparents are also deeply impacted by the loss. School counselors and teachers can be invaluable help, and should be informed about what is happening in the child’s home. It can also be wise to seek the help of a support program designed especially for bereaved children and teens; programs can be found at the website of the National Alliance for Grieving Children.

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Support Group

Stevens Funeral Home sponsors a support group to help those who have lost a loved one and wish to join with others who have suffered a loss. New groups form in both the Spring and Fall and last for 8 weeks. The meetings are held at our Gathering Place, 2313 Broad Ave. Altoona. There are also continued support meetings for those who have completed the 8 week session and wish to continue. These are held once a month. For further information, call Aftercare Coordinator Serena Stevens at 944-8365.

Aftercare Guide

An Aftercare Guide has been prepared by Serena Stevens expressly to assist in dealing with matters that must be taken care of following a death. The guide is provided free of charge to the next of kin of persons for which we have provided funeral services.

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Whether the relationship was measured in months or in decades, the death of your life mate is a loss for which you are never completely prepared. Well-meaning friends and family members sometimes encourage you to “move on” and even remind you that your mate “wouldn’t want you to be sad.” But that’s just not how grief works.

The death of your life mate is not something you just “get over.” Your lives became intertwined through your time together. The holidays shared, vacations taken, and occasions celebrated knitted your lives together. In such a relationship, grief is not a bad “bruise;” it feels more like a complete amputation.

Some people try to compare losses. “Oh, I know just how you feel,” he or she might say. But because every relationship is unique, every experience with grief is also unique. You and your life mate shared experiences of which only the two of you know, so in many ways, no one understands all the dimensions of your loss.

Sadly, death sometimes comes as a relationship is just budding. You had so many hopes and dreams and simply did not have the time to complete many of them. But even after forty, fifty, or sixty years of marriage, newly-widowed people wish for more time together.

The pledge of commitment, “until death do us part” is uttered somewhat glibly; now, the “parting” is filled with undeniable sorrow. You will find specific ideas for managing your grief at Finding Yourself in Grief.

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