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When a contemporary dies, most of us experience our own grief and sense our own needs for care. At the same time, we want to provide care for others whom we assume must be hurting even more. The good news is that it is possible to receive the care offered by others while also caring for others. This mutual sharing of hurts and help is one characteristic of the sense of community for which most people long.

Siblings enjoy unique relationships, having shared both the good and the bad of growing up in the family home. Together, we laugh at the same memories and share the same stories. The sense of loss at a sibling’s death can be profound.

Coworkers sometimes become closer than family, in part because of the amount of time spent together. Few people — even in your family — spend as much time with you as those with whom you work. Sharing an office or working for many years on common projects can weld people together as friends as well as work associates.

The grief of friends for each other can also be profound. Because we choose friends, these people become our greatest confidants, supporters and cheerleaders. For most people, the death of a close friend leaves a giant hole in the heart.

Make sure to stay connected to supportive people. Family members, work associates and other friends can be enormously supportive in the experience of grief. But remember that some people do not understand the significance of non-family attachments and might wonder just why this loss is such “a big deal.” Well-meaning people sometimes don’t comprehend the significance of a friend, coworker or sibling’s death, contributing to even greater isolation for the bereaved person. Click here to download a copy of our brochure:

Twelve Ways to Help a Grieving Friend

Don’t forget to pay attention to memorial opportunities. Prioritize your schedule to attend and participate in the funeral or memorial service. Look for opportunities to memorialize this person through sending flowers or making contributions in his or her memory. And remember that in addition to the funeral activities in the early days after the death, some cultures create important memorial opportunities at intervals through the first year and perhaps on the anniversary of the death thereafter.

Be certain that you take some time for yourself, as well. One difficulty of facing the death of a sibling, coworker or friend is that these people are often near our own age, forcing us to consider our own mortality. As you work through this loss, It is always good to take time to think about what characteristics you hope people will remember about you and to reevaluate your own priorities.

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As adult children, we bear a unique perspective on grief that is different from that of a surviving spouse. While the death of a spouse is a huge loss, it is a very different loss from the grief growing out of a parent’s death.

Sometimes, early grief is muted by utter exhaustion, especially if you cared for your parent through an illness. Often, grief is magnified by the realization that you now bear an inordinate responsibility for a surviving parent or as the new leader of “the clan.”

With the death of a biological parent, we don’t remember a time prior to being his or her child; this relationship is older than any other we have and there is no “history” apart from this individual. If, on the other hand, you came to know your parent later in life, grief can be intensified by sadness about lost years and opportunities. And when you must say goodbye to a “parent by choice,” one who married your biological parent, for example, or an adoptive parent, that loss is also unique and significant. So much of what we know about the world-for good and for bad-came to us first from our parents.

Not all memories from our families, however, are pleasant. Grief is an odd experience, in that we often grieve the relationship we did not have as much as all we lost. When the relationship with your parent was pocked by substance addiction or abuse, for example, saying goodbye can be filled with mixed feelings. It’s quite normal to feel little sadness over saying goodbye to some parts of the relationship, even while grieving the opportunities missed for meaningful connection.

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A big part of the grief process for parents is described as a “search for meaning.” In early grief, finding meaning in a child’s death is an impossible task, and for some, no sense is ever made of the death. Eventually, though, most bereaved parents, family members and friends do find meaning in the loss-or at least in spite of it. You might embrace a cause to prevent other families from experiencing the same tragedy or fondly recall the rich living crammed into a few short years by a young person gone too soon. You may eventually find a depth to your own strength or vitality in your faith you never knew existed.

Siblings and friends of the child who has died need an extra measure of patience and support and there are many practical ways friends and family members can provide help. Click here for more information on support for children and teens.  Though parents desire to shield surviving children from the pain, and even if the other children have not been told what happened, siblings sense the tension in the family, realizing intuitively, “something is wrong.” When they do not get honest information about their brother or sister, they sometimes erroneously conclude that parents are upset because of their actions.

Grandparents also experience the loss deeply. In the words of author and bereaved grandparent, Mary Lou Reed, “Grandparents cry twice.” Not only must grandparents bear the grief after their grandchild’s death, but they must also helplessly witness the intractable pain their own child experiences as the grandchild’s now-bereaved parent. If you know a bereaved grandparent, inquire not only about the well-being of the bereaved parents, but ask your friend how he or she is doing, too.

Do not believe common cultural “myths” about parental bereavement. Your marriage is not “doomed,” though a child’s death does put an unprecedented strain on even the best marriages. And ignore the well-meaning suggestion of friends or family members who suggest something like, “Since you’re young, you can have another child.” Children can never be replaced, regardless of their age at death. A child’s death is a life-altering event, but for parents and other family members, it does not have to be a life-ending event. Grief shakes us from “top to bottom,” leaving no part of life untouched. Click here to find useful suggestions for growing through this loss.

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